another post of jumbled thoughts.....

As I was reading one of Mel's blog entries, I found myself dreaming of what I've never had.

A tight, flat belly.

I don't ever recall being "skinny", nor do I recall really caring about it. I didn't play sports or exercise so my muscles weren't very tone in the first place. I think I, uh, failed Gym in high school. 

Nutrition wasn't high on my priority list either. Sure, like some teenage girls, I would refuse to eat while in the presence of a boy I liked....actually, pretty much any boy. This meant I hardly ever ate anything healthy while in school. When we moved to Utah and I was no longer forced to eat in the cafeteria with the whole school, I was able to hide a candy bar (non gooey of course) in my backpack and take a chunk out without anyone noticing I was eating. I'd guzzle down soda after soda and not care about what I was putting into my body. In my teenage years, I probably drank a gallon of water......unless I was forced to because of an ultrasound or whatever. Even then, I'd puke it up. Nasty vile water. By the time I would arrive home from an outing or school, I'd be gorging myself on whatever I could find or I'd make a batch of brownies and eat until I was sick. When I turned 16 and was able to drive, I found myself using what money I had to secretly buy food through the drive-thru's. I mean, if I went into McDonalds by myself I might run into a group of kids from school. The horror!!!

Getting married at 17 and pregnant with TWINS at 18 didn't leave me much time to worry about my figure then either. We then had 5 more pregnancies (two ended in miscarriage). I was trying hard to be a mom. I didn't have much time for myself and when I did, it was wondering what the next meal would be or where we would eat out next. I used food to smother the feelings of boredom, guilt, anger, depression, horrible self image/self esteem issues, jealousy, sadness and frustration.

I'm 32 now and I doubt I'll ever have a tight, flat belly unless it's surgically done. Currently, the 37 lbs I've lost has left what was a firmer "spare tire" into a deflated mass of skin that just...hangs. It's riddled with stretch marks that are as wide as the Grand Canyon (thanks twins!!) and it's a daily reminder of how I let myself be unhealthy from a very early age.

I have learned many things since joining Weight Watcher's last January.

1. I am in control of what I eat.
2. It's okay to feel my emotions.
3. It doesn't help anything if I stuff them away. Oh..I'm a good stuffer!!
4. I can make good choices, even when I don't want to.
5. What I crave usually reflects my mood.
6. Healthy food tastes good.
7. High fat foods make my tummy hurt.

and the most important of them all.....

8. I CAN wear tighter shirts even though I'm not "skinny". Take a look at most "thin" women (teens included) wearing the layered tighter (stretchy) shirts. They too have a jiggly mass around their midsection and the shirts still look cute on them.