Monday, October 22, 2007

One of those days........

It started off with snow outside. Yep. Snow. 

The only thing worse than snow (IMO) is a morning where I wake up extremely exhausted and in pain. Well, more pain than usual. You know? 

So I tell my kids we are not going to church and I snuggle into bed and try to get some more sleep. That didn't work very well seeing as my three youngest were busy playing. Loudly. 

I did manage to just lay in bed and watch some TV....that was nice even though I was hurting so badly. I haven't been taking my Naproxen because I'm just afraid that the doctors won't know what is wrong with me. How sad is that? 

I have tried to be so strong the past 6+ weeks since my flare up started and today it all came crashing down on me. After a painful day my headache was raging and I just wanted my children in bed. I also wanted my youngest to pick up his Lego's so that they wouldn't be vacuumed up, I mean he just got them for his birthday party yesterday!! He kept finding other things to do and I was very frustrated. I eventually got upset at them all and then picked up my daughters pillow that was in the living room and chucked it up the stairs. It was my attempt to show them I meant business. LOL In doing said throwing, I banged my elbow against the railing. That was all it took to cause me to just let it all flow. It hurt, but not as bad as my uncontrollable sobbing suggested. I could not speak I was crying so hard. 

My youngest son, who was still downstairs at this time, saw me walk to the couch and slump down in body shaking sobs. He says, "Mommy is crying." and quickly ran upstairs. Probably to do what I had asked him 10 times to do already. My husband runs over to me and is thinking I broke something. I finally mustered up enough O2 to say, "I've tried to be so strong". He just held me and told me I was strong. I cried hard bitter sobs for another few minutes and spent another 15 recovering in his arms. I'm so grateful for my husband. I don't know what I would do without him. 

I am an emotional wreck. I am tired of being strong. I'm tired of being the one who has to present myself to doctors who don't know diddly. I'm tired of paying a ton of money to these people and getting nothing in return. I'm tired of feeling sick. I'm tired of being in pain. I am so scared to see this doctor tomorrow. I'm scared he won't take me seriously and my heart will be broken. Again. I don't think I could handle another brush off at this point. I had such high hopes for this meeting, too. What happened? I think I'm losing hope in ever finding someone who will be proactive with my care. 

Please pray for me.