I've been feeling a little off lately, though I'm not sure why.
I haven't had any desire to take photographs and I adore photography. I picked up an HTML book from the library and haven't even cracked it open, but I've longed to learn how to develop my own web pages. I've tried to read a book about clutter and my mind wanders, yet I breathe organization. What's up?
I guess I'm just selfish, tired and grouchy. When things do not go the way I hope they will, it makes me feel like I've failed. Like I didn't do, or couldn't do, enough to get it right. Why do I do this to myself? I also seem to get down about the silliest of things.
I got books from the library and watched a tremendous amount of Youtube videos on how to make a sourdough starter so that I, too, could make sourdough pitas or pancakes. My endeavor failed and while I learned that "Hooch" is also known as "Moonshine", I cannot, for the life of me, make my own sourdough starter. Wait...I can make it and it does form bubbles and hooch and it smells sour, but it does not rise bread. Of course not. Why should it? It's sort of like the fish I once owned. I could feed it and talk to it, even give it a clever name, but it would die much too early because fish and sourdough just do not like me. Do wild yeast spores actually care if I make anything out of them? I'm sure they are happy that I've provided a wonderful place for them to feast and play huge tricks on me. Meanies!
What should do? Try again. Keep at it. I'll get it eventually. I'm a great cook and I can bake with the best of them, so don't give up. "Hey grumpy lady! Why don't you just walk in your kitchen and sniff...I'm sure those very ripe banana's could be made into 4-5 loaves of yummy banana bread. Mmmmm! Plus, if you don't hurry and use them your husband will toss them out and then you'll be really mad. I'm just sayin'."
What do I want to do? Cry. Give up. Silly huh? "Oh, Woe is me. I'm a failure. I can't learn via youtube videos or reading a thousand different versions of how to's. I need someone to show me how and then I can do it perfectly."
I took a photography class to learn more about my camera. The one I thought was a good one. We paid a lot of money for it and I loved it. It took much better photos than my previous camera and the video was amazing. I wanted to learn how to get in close without making my subject blurry (among other finer details). I had failed photography in my sophomore year of High School, but even though I didn't want to take the time to learn about how to develop my own film (isn't that what one hour photo's were for?), it didn't mean I hated taking pictures. I wanted to show that I could learn photography, that I did have a passion for education. So I gave myself a Birthday present. After a couple weeks in the class, I realized that my camera wasn't really what this class was for. Sure, it had some manual settings (which I did learn how to use), but my teacher took the time to go over my camera with me and I left the class wondering if I should even go back. He didn't knock my camera, he just told me that my camera would not be able to capture the type of photographs I wanted. No matter, I stayed in the class and learned as much as I could. Asking my classmates if I could handle their camera's allowed me to get a feel for what I wanted. A Nikon D90 or a Canon Rebel...something like that. It also left me feeling very envious of these people. I mean, some of them had $2000 cameras and $200 camera bags, yet they didn't even know what an "F-Stop" was. I know more than I want to about my camera at this point. Ignorance is bliss. Part of me wishes I never took that class to begin with. HA! Furthering my education, by taking a community class, has left me pining for a DSLR. Heck, I'd even settle for a used one with a decent lens.
What should I learn from this? That I'm selfish and a complainer. That I should look at what I do have and be thankful for those things. Healthy children, a kind and loving husband, a wonderful mother who I adore and am grateful for, having more time with my Nana, friends, my faith....there are so many things I am grateful for. Don't get me wrong though, I still want a camera. Of course.
(Yawn) I am ready to take my grouchy self to bed. Maybe a good night's sleep will get me out of this funk. Oh and praying for sweet Stellan (and his mama) & April Rose (and her mama) will help, too.
On a happy note: I get to send off the produce bags today (6.9.09). I love making someone's day!!!
Thanks for listening to me whine. I've always wondered where my daughter gets her high quality whine from. (Ahem)