Friday, December 18, 2009

It will be okay.

St. Patrick's Day 2002 (Do you see Caleb in the back?)

This photo made me laugh today, so I figured I would show it to you all. It's a reminder that "It will be okay." Sometimes that is all I want to hear. It's comforting even when you want it to be okay now, not later.

So, that's what I am going to keep telling myself. Over and over. And over. Until I believe it. This may take awhile. *sigh*

I've been busy working, cleaning, and decorating for Christmas. Rob and I have been arguing alot and the kids are actually doing okay. Why are the holidays so stressful on parents?

I'm trying so very hard to keep my mind off of our finances, or lack thereof. I'm trying to stick to the plan we (as a family) decided on. Not that it would be any different without the plan, but it's nice to know that we have a future goal to help us forget about this Christmas (as in gifts). Then reality strikes, as it always does, (darn reality) and I realize that after paying for 2-3 implants (in March/April), braces payments, and trying to get things back on track (or better!) with our finances that we may not even reach that goal. We may not get to Florida.

How devestating would that be to our children? To us? I can't even think about it right now. It makes me cry. I've been crying alot lately.

Through many tears I am constantly having to revisit a recent post to remind myself it's okay that Christmas will be different this year. Part of me doesn't even want to decorate. I feel like only decorating the bare minimum and then I feel like a horrible mom and decide to go the opposite extreme. Can you guess how many times I've gone into Michael's without buying anything or driven by my favorite stores thinking that I could justify my decoration expense because well, "We aren't celebrating Christmas with gifts this year, so I should make my house all beautiful and such."

My often dwelling thought is that adding more decorations will only help improve the festiveness and joy around us. Uh, more like, it will help find the festiveness and joy.

I've had several people want to help us with Christmas, but really...there are people much worse off than we are. Our kids do not go without throughout the year and just because there isn't something under the Christmas tree, it isn't going to kill them. If anything, it will help build character. Right?

Am I completely fooling myself?

I need strength.

You will never know how much your comments mean to me. Your comments on my blog (which I love!), Facebook, and Twittter are helpful and inspiring. They help me to not feel like a scrooge.

The younger three kids are off school after today and my older boys are out the middle of next week. Rob is taking a couple weeks vacation from his main job (he has lots of time, but will still work his 2nd job.) and we are going to spend days having fun. I am also taking a couple days off from my part-time schedule to be at home with the kids and Rob, so it will be nice doing things as a family.

Maybe my amazing husband and I can pawn off the kids and spend a day just being together here, at home. That would be nice! We really need some time away (or here...alone) to just focus on each other and our marriage.

We'll see.

1 comment:

  1. Holidays are always stressful. When you were growing up we always had the most stressful holidays and birthdays can imagine. What you are experiencing now is not only because of the holidays, but the economy, lack of funds and I think every parent thinking "why can't I give my children all they want" like if we don't they won't love us or whatever. I personally think that even though times are tough right now we are all a lot better off than so many others. When you were growing up more households had 2 working parents, lots of guilt coping with "...but the mother's place is in the home" There was, and still is, among so many a feeling of 'I want something....yeah I want it NOW not later' - perhaps this is the Lord's way of teaching us all patience and that good things do come to those who wait. I guess can honestly say that getting older does have benefits...remember how obsessive I was about cleaning and 'everything in it's proper place'?? I finally came to realize it's just material and there were lots more important things in life. You and Rob have done a great job with the children and that is what they are going to remember later in life, not how many things were under the tree. The Bible says that the Lord has a purpose for everything - search your heart and you will find what is there and that will bring you peace. And, always know that you have family who love you, understands and is there when you need.