another post of jumbled thoughts.....

As I was reading one of Mel's blog entries, I found myself dreaming of what I've never had.

A tight, flat belly.

I don't ever recall being "skinny", nor do I recall really caring about it. I didn't play sports or exercise so my muscles weren't very tone in the first place. I think I, uh, failed Gym in high school. 

Nutrition wasn't high on my priority list either. Sure, like some teenage girls, I would refuse to eat while in the presence of a boy I liked....actually, pretty much any boy. This meant I hardly ever ate anything healthy while in school. When we moved to Utah and I was no longer forced to eat in the cafeteria with the whole school, I was able to hide a candy bar (non gooey of course) in my backpack and take a chunk out without anyone noticing I was eating. I'd guzzle down soda after soda and not care about what I was putting into my body. In my teenage years, I probably drank a gallon of water......unless I was forced to because of an ultrasound or whatever. Even then, I'd puke it up. Nasty vile water. By the time I would arrive home from an outing or school, I'd be gorging myself on whatever I could find or I'd make a batch of brownies and eat until I was sick. When I turned 16 and was able to drive, I found myself using what money I had to secretly buy food through the drive-thru's. I mean, if I went into McDonalds by myself I might run into a group of kids from school. The horror!!!

Getting married at 17 and pregnant with TWINS at 18 didn't leave me much time to worry about my figure then either. We then had 5 more pregnancies (two ended in miscarriage). I was trying hard to be a mom. I didn't have much time for myself and when I did, it was wondering what the next meal would be or where we would eat out next. I used food to smother the feelings of boredom, guilt, anger, depression, horrible self image/self esteem issues, jealousy, sadness and frustration.

I'm 32 now and I doubt I'll ever have a tight, flat belly unless it's surgically done. Currently, the 37 lbs I've lost has left what was a firmer "spare tire" into a deflated mass of skin that just...hangs. It's riddled with stretch marks that are as wide as the Grand Canyon (thanks twins!!) and it's a daily reminder of how I let myself be unhealthy from a very early age.

I have learned many things since joining Weight Watcher's last January.

1. I am in control of what I eat.
2. It's okay to feel my emotions.
3. It doesn't help anything if I stuff them away. Oh..I'm a good stuffer!!
4. I can make good choices, even when I don't want to.
5. What I crave usually reflects my mood.
6. Healthy food tastes good.
7. High fat foods make my tummy hurt.

and the most important of them all.....

8. I CAN wear tighter shirts even though I'm not "skinny". Take a look at most "thin" women (teens included) wearing the layered tighter (stretchy) shirts. They too have a jiggly mass around their midsection and the shirts still look cute on them.

Fabulously Fit Friday- First Steps.

Last week my friend, A, and I were discussing how nice it would be to have a companion to work out with.  We both have different schedules, and getting together on a regular basis may not be easy, but we wanted to try. We were supposed to go yesterday at noon, but by 11:45 I knew there was no way I would be done with my deliveries, so I texted her to say I couldn't go and we were on for Friday.  

After dance practice last night, Rob and I decided we would drive to Target to see what sales they had on work out clothes.  I have some old sweat pants, but nothing I wanted to wear to the gym.  I have to look good...like I know what I'm doing, ya know.  I should have looked at the price tags before I went to try them on, but I was so excited to see something I liked, I didn't even glance at the tags.  They fit so well.  I looked at the tag on the jacket.  $29.99.  Then I struggled to find the tag for the pants, found it by contorting my body in some sick fashion.  $24.99.  I was feeling bummed because I knew they weren't on clearance and with my luck, they wouldn't even be on sale.  After I undressed, I found the tag for the shirt.  $14.99.  Below is a conversation I had with my loving husband shortly after I appeared from the dressing room.

Me- ::BIG SIGH::

Rob- "What?  You don't like them?"

Me- "I'm going to see if they are on sale."

( I go check and look on the clearance rack just in case I missed something good)

Me- "Honey...I just can't buy these."

Rob- "Why?  I like them."

Me- "They aren't on sale and I just don't feel good about spending almost one hundred dollars on a work-out outfit that I may only wear once."  I'm being honest people!

Rob- "Did you check the clearance rack?"

Me- "Yes.  There are only sizes extra small, small and medium.  I'm sure that's because all the other FAT people are wanting to lose weight, too."

Rob- (says nothing and quietly puts back the items he was thinking of buying.)  

As we are walking through the store I get a bright idea.  I'm always full of bright ideas.   Another good friend of mine has worked-out hard for a year (I think) and has done very well with losing weight.  With all the weight she has lost I figured she had to have something I could wear.  So....I called her and left a pathetic message of begging (pouty lip and all) on her cell.  We left the store and went home.  She called me and while laughing (can you believe her!!??) said she did have something for me.  Of course I made Rob drive me over in a blizzard to get it (along with 3 other bags of clothing to go through).  

Due to the big storm we were having my joints were killing me.  I had a very restless, pain-filled night of "sleeping".  I would wake up often and tell myself I would call "A" and cancel.  I didn't want to cancel though.  I had a really good excuse, but I knew that if I made this one excuse and let my joints win, I would end up gaining more and more weight.  Believe me...I can't afford to gain any more weight.  

At 9:30, A and I were on our way upstairs to the walking track.  I told "A" that I wanted to weigh myself.  Little help she was...she told me to "Go for it."  We rounded the corner to where the scale was and all I could see was the 20 or so people on their machines who seemed to be staring at the scale waiting for someone to step on it.  I declined and so we started walking. After we walked around the track for 20 minutes, I decided I really needed to weigh myself.  I had not weighed myself for a very long time.  It was one of the many first steps I took today. "A" told me she would stand backwards and protect others from seeing the numbers if that would help.  Awww....so sweet!  The scale was one of the non-digital ones.  You know...the big white ones where people who weigh 100+ lbs move the weight down to 50 after they are done, and those who weigh 200+ lbs move the weight to 100.  Apparently, I had a 100+ pounder weigh in before me.  So....in the spirit of being Passive-Aggressive (oh...you didn't know that about me. Nevermind)...I moved the weight back to 50...just for spite.  

Next, we decided to ride the "bikes for lazy people".  Maybe I'm just a gym newbie, but wow....they have bikes that don't necessarily look like bikes.  I swear, it's like a motorcycle without the motor and with pedals.  I had never been on one of these contraptions, but I liked it.  We both rode for 20+ minutes, my heart rate shot up to 160 at one point, but stayed around 145 mostly.  I rode over 7 miles (or so my bike said) and I burned just over 115 calories.  My legs were burning and when we got up to go walk again, they felt like JELL-O.  That's good, right?  We walked for another 20 mintues (slower this time!) and then decided to call it good. 

I'm proud of myself for not making excuses.  I'm thankful for good friends who work out with you and who give you their really nice clothes.  I'm grateful I did not gain all the weight back that I lost a couple years go while on WW's. 

I'm going to try and weigh myself every Friday so I can see if I need to adjust anything else.  I'm sure being extremely conscious of what I'm eating, portion sizes and working out (that's more than I did while on WW) I should be fine.  

I'm not going to focus on my weight, but I do want to make sure what I'm doing is working.  Part of my 2009 goals is to get healthy.  That's why I've started "Fabulously-Fit Friday".  If anyone wants to join, go ahead and copy the very first button I ever made to your blog and post about your success.  Please link back here to my blog and post in the comments section!!   Remember...try not to focus on your weight, but do focus on your successes.  One success at a time.  That's all we can do.