Jumping Bean Brain

Things just haven't been right with me lately. It's very frustrating because I am unable to focus on anything. I sit at the computer to blog and I can't. Seriously, I can't. Nothing is there, just a bunch of garbled thoughts bouncing around my head like jumping beans. I feel very out-of-sorts.

What is up with that?

Speaking of....what's up with this photo? It does not belong, nor was it a photo I meant to take, but I like my argyle socks and my boots, so there.

Oh, and speaking of socks.....

My dryer is broken...again. I had a screaming fit with the Sears lady on the phone. She had the nerve to tell me that I would have to pay for the parts to repair my dryer because our warranty was up. My midwestern attitude came out (I save that for special occasions) and I was ferocious. Oh, and because I care about ya'll so much, I am willing to share some of the phone call. You're welcome!

"Hi. We just had a Sear's repair man come out this morning and he left, but now the dryer is squeaking and grumbling again. This is the fourth time we've had a repair man come out since September of this year."

"I'm sorry mam, let's see if we can get him back out there for you. You said he was there this morning?"

"That's correct. We were his first appointment at 8 A.M. He tinkered with it and said that if what he did didn't work that we were to tell the next repairman to order a pulley and shaft because he said that is probably what's wrong with it. I would like him to order those parts now, since he probably should have done that in the first place."

"Okay. Thank you. I am going to put you on hold and try to contact the driver."

(on hold.......still holding......still holding.)

"Okay. I was able to get ahold of the driver and he states that he is on his last repair, but that it will take 2-3 hours and will not be able to make it back out to your house today."

"Okay...um, did you ask him to order those parts?"

"He cannot order them. We will have to make a new repair appointment and whoever comes out will be able to order them. Let's see when the next appointment is....."

(The conversation is still calm at this point.)

"Wait. Why can't he order them? He was just here. Why should I have to wait for another appointment to have the parts ordered, and then have to wait for the parts to come in and another appointment for them to be installed?"

"I'm sorry mam, that's just our policy. You can order the parts yourself and then make an appointment for them to be installed..."

(This is where my midwestern Kansas City, Missouri, Don't eeeeven mess with me attitude came in. If you want an idea of what I sounded like (or something sorta like that)....click HERE.)

"What do you mean that I can order the parts? I am not paying for the parts."

"Your warranty is expired, so you will be responsible for the part costs."

"Oh NO I will not be responsible for the cost of parts that should have been ordered back in September when I still had the warranty. Don't tell me I have to pay for something when I already paid a ton of money on the extended warranty and your repair men ripped me off for a years worth of services by NOT doing their jobs to begin with. This is the fourth time we've had service men out here to repair the same problem and I will NOT pay for it. In fact, Sears owes me money for wasting a year of the extended warranty................"

I basically went on for a bit longer to make sure I got my point across. This happened on the 24th of December. Christmas Eve. What a lovely way to start out the holiday.

Apparently my persistance was noted and we received a phone call from the repair man saying he had ordered the parts. What he didn't tell us was that they would be shipped to our home and that we had an appointment for Thursday January 7th from 8-12. Within the past week we've received two packages from parts dealers and I had to reschedule the appointment for Friday afternoon.

I'm glad it's being taken care of, but I've lost all respect and trust in Sear's repair. I do not think they will charge me (and I wouldn't pay for it anyway) for the service call since it's well within the 90 days warranty on same service calls. Unfortunately, I cannot afford to extend the warranty on my washer and dryer. If the problem happens again, or this isn't the problem and they are just grasping at straws (like before), then we will have a $1200 dryer that doesn't work. I'm ticked, frustrated, worried and stressed about it all.

On top of all that, I have at least thirteen loads of laundry waiting to be washed and dryed. It is too cold to hang dry them as it brings down the temperature in the house/basement and makes the kids bedrooms too cold.

I'm also stressed about a couple things that I am not willing to discuss openly on my blog right now. Mainly because I have not formulated my own thoughts on the issues, weighed the pro's and con's, or discussed them with my husband...yet. I'm currently hormonal and feeling depressed, so it's not even an appropriate time to try and discuss them rationally.

I have so many blog posts I want to write. Maybe listing them here will help keep my thoughts grounded, because I'm not joking when I say they're rattling about in my head, like jumping beans. All my thoughts are. My awesome husband says I'm scatterbrained. He's absolutely right.

So, here goes. Here is a list of blog topics I've wanted to write in the past 30 days and have not.

* 2010 goals list

* Cooking/baking

* Chores

* Parenting teens

* My mom's upcoming surgery (a few posts for that!)

* Caleb's Community Career Day

* Casey's Science Fair Project

* Crawford All-Nighter

* Snowboarding

* North American Championships (Florida)

* Organizing

* Give-Away (An awesome one at that!!)

* My thoughts on marriage

Maybe that will help.

Do you ever have long periods of time (like days/weeks) where you feel completely scatterbrained? Leave a comment and tell me what helped bring you out of the funk. Maybe it will inspire me to do the same.

Happy Birthday, Caleb!! & Updates

Today is my baby's EIGHTH Birthday!

I can't even believe how quickly these years have just flown by. It seems like yesterday that he was snuggled to my breast for nourishment, comfort and love.

I remember how sweet he smelled.

I remember his adorable smile and how his giggle would make me burst into laughter.

He loved being next to me in his sling and I loved wearing him.

He was a high-need's baby and I didn't mind a bit. All he wanted was his mommy (and daddy) and you know what? That was A-OK! When he was a toddler, he would bring me the sling so that I would wear him. All I had to do was tighten him in and he would be at peace. We would be at peace.

We nursed for two and a half years. Towards the end, I was not offering and not refusing. He weaned himself...when he was ready. I'm not sure I was ready, but I was proud that I gave him the chance to become independent on his own. Oh, and while he was a high-need's baby, co-slept, breast-fed on demand, wore cloth diapers, spent most of his first two years in a sling and didn't eat solids until he was 11 months old....

He is, and always has been, my most snugly and independent child.

After he finished eating dinner this evening, he came over to me and put his head on me. I knew he was anxious to open his gifts, but he wasn't feeling well either. His face was flushed and his eyes glossy. I asked him if he wanted to lie down in my bed while our family guests finished eating and visiting. He asked me to come with him and so I did. We snuggled together while I rubbed his back. I enjoyed every minute of our time together. Luckily, Caleb loves to snuggle and sometimes I overlook this need, so I'm thankful I wasn't too busy to see the opportunity. I would have missed it otherwise.

Happy 8th Birthday, Caleb!!!

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Have you ever felt like you didn't know what to write and when you did write something, it sounded awful and scattered?

That's how I've been feeling for a month, or so. I'm not interesting, funny or thought provoking.

How depressing.......

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Semi-Organized Mom's Surgery Update:

I will be having my first big oral surgery this Wednesday. I'm really nervous about it. Even though I know what will happen, I can't help but feel a little anxiety about it all.

First, I'll be put to sleep under general anesthesia.

Second, Two of my teeth will be removed and one of them is my impacted eye tooth.

Third, I will have a bone graft where they remove the eye tooth....complete with cadavar bone. Ewww!

I've taken Wednesday-Sunday off from work, so I'm hoping to get some rest while the kids are at school. I know I'll be well taken care of and am grateful for the help my wonderful IRL friend has offered. She is picking my kids up from school on Thursday (offered Wed, but Rob will do that.) and I'm sure she'll help out Friday if I need her to.

I think the fact that I don't know how I'm going to feel, how quickly I will heal, how much pain I'll be in...well, that's frightening to me. Am I overly anxious? Probably. Or maybe what I'm feeling is just "normal". Regardless, most people don't really openly discuss their teeth issues and if they do, it's not usually about losing teeth, implants or pontics.

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I went to a Women's One-Day Conference at my church (SMCC) on Saturday. My friend accompanied me and we both had a wonderful time. I enjoyed the worship, the amazing lunch and I couldn't get enough of Wendy Blight, the guest speaker.

She spoke so many truth's and God's promises. I felt like she was speaking directly to me, at times. I think I'll stop here, because I want to devote an entire blog post to my thoughts. If you want to learn more about Wendy and Proverbs 31 Ministries, click on the link above.

Honestly Honest

One of my favorite bloggers, MckMama, recently blogged about how she has decided to take back control of her blog. Hallelujah!! That, despite the slashing of pristine acrylic nails upon her character (my words, not hers) and the unfathomable gnashing of rotten teeth (again, my eloquent words, not hers) that spew nasty, hurtful words towards her, her family and her readers, she will continue to be honest on her blog even if others continue to use her honesty as fodder to further their pathetic cause.

It is, with all due respect, her blog.

Personally, I think they should go back to worrying about their own lives (maybe remove the crumbs from the bottom of their toaster, or something.) and stop putting so much energy into trying to destroy someone else's. Buy hey, that's just my opinion and nobody has to agree with me. Even though you should. Because, I'm right.

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MckMama's post got me thinking about my own writing and my own honesty. Before I started Semi-Organized Mom, I was positive that I really wanted to share creative ways to organize, recipes, parenting and even marital issues. When thinking about my own blog and deciding what I wanted to blog about, I guess I wasn't very honest with myself. Yes, I'm truly Semi-Organized, a wife, a mother of five, a professed FeisMom (proud of it!), a chronic organizer, and I am a Christian. However, I also fight a daily battle with PTSD, depression and an eating disorder. I have many reasons to be depressed, but I have 10x as many to be Joyful and yet, Joy is one of the hardest things for me to experience.

Honest.

Within the past two weeks I've felt extremely overwhelmed. My anxiety levels went through the roof. I've had suicidal "wonders" and then would burst into tears because I could never kill myself. First, my kids would miss me and my husband would be left alone. Not only that, but my mom...I could never leave her. How selfish of me.

Then I'd say, "But I'm tired of not being selfish. I have no one to talk to (not even my husband because he's stressed out, too and we'll just end up in a fight), no one to cry on, no one to vent to. No one." The cyle of loneliness would go around so many times I couldn't take it anymore.

Then, in some ironic twist of fate, I would just recover.

Like that.

Fakefully (is that a word?) cheerful for the world because I didn't want to deal with any more pain. Nor did I want to deal with one of my biggest pet peeve's...fake sympathy. If there is one thing that I despise more in this world, it's fake sympathy. Gag! Seriously, take it somewhere else, because I can see right through it all. I'm rather good at reading body language. You see, I am a CODA (child of deaf adult). Both of my parents were profoundly deaf. I grew up in the deaf community where people signed to communicate and their body language said everything. I can read people like a book. Better than a book... because it's visual. Despite being extremely good at reading people (voice, body language, demeanor), I suck (for lack of a better word at 1 AM) at being observant of what goes on around me. I "check out" mentally when things get rough. It's a terrible coping mechanism and yet, I really believe that it's how I've learned to cope/manage that has kept the anxiety attacks from taking my life.

Maybe I'm so busy reading people (and protecting myself) that I fail to see other things that are important. Maybe growing up so differently makes me unlikeable. Maybe people don't understand why I am different. Maybe it bugs them. I don't know. I see their emotions because I read them. I want to help and usually they get it out (via me). It can be trivial or traumatic, but I've given them an outlet. Someone to mull it over with or just feel like someone really cared enough to ask the REAL questions.

So, I spent many hours these past two weeks crying over things I really have no control over. I cried because I didn't have any true close friends and then became angry because "who were they to treat me this way?! They used to call me all the time to vent, complain, cry, whine or just gab away. We would go places together, spend time together, call each other...laugh. Now they've made new friends and shut me out...completely! Did they get what they wanted and now they don't need my friendship anymore? No matter that maybe I needed someone to ask me the deep questions. No matter. I changed what I was doing to be there for them and then, when I'm the one suffering, where are they? Do they even call to see how I am doing? Knowing that my, "Yeah, things are great." comment was just what they wanted to hear, now they could get it off their guilty conscious and move on because...."at least they asked." Do they even wonder why I haven't called to chat with them? Am I just that good at hiding my pain?

Huh?

Is that really friendship?

Quickly, I change from being hurt to angry and then from angry to negative. "They probably are glad I do not call them. What did I do to them? What's wrong with me? Am I really that bad of a friend? I've been nothing but nice and helpful and friendly and I just keep getting spat upon. I'm sick of being a friend, being ignored and being treated as less than by people who, frankly, don't deserve my friendship. Who would/could really be my friend? I'm really not likeable."

Yep, that was/is me. All manic and stuff, but the emotion is still real. The thoughts are still real. The feelings are still....raw. And real. I'm not just imagining it all in my head, because, it's real. I'm finally just dealing with it the best way I know how. Cry, get mad, negative self-talk, stuff it away........and the cycle goes on and on and on.

Don't get me wrong, my suicidal wonders weren't about being friendless. They were about feeling hopeless in my marriage, parenting, all relationships, being a homemaker, etc. The only thing that has kept me from becoming completly unglued is the fact that I have a job. A good job, that helps people. I get to make people HAPPY! I help people, they say "Thank You" and I'm done. Sometimes they beg me to take a bag of garden tomatoes (which I love!!), but always it's a "Thank You!" Well, except for today, but that's okay because it's rare that someone is not appreciative of our service when they need it the most. Simple. Heartwarming. No excess expectations on either part, no hurt feelings, just a sense of giving and being appreciated. My job is amazing and I am grateful that I get to help many people each week.

In the past two weeks I made a huge mistake. I abruptly stopped taking 60mg of Cymbalta without doing any research on the side effects. Stupid me. This is where the suicidal wonders came in. I debate going back on the meds. My husband and my children really need me to take them and I feel like a much more calm wife/mommy when I do. My PTSD is controlled, my anxiety attacks are almost non-existant and well, I feel "normal". What I hate about taking the meds is that it allows me to disagree with something, but not truly stand up for what I know is right. Before, I'd really debate the issues and try to come to some sort of agreement. Maybe I was extreme in my behavior, but my points were vaild and (believe me) duly noted. On Cymbalta, I still put up a debate, but I easily retreat into my shell because the anxiety isn't there to keep it going.

Does that make any sense?

Ultimately, I want to live. I want to experience Joy and true Happiness along with all the other normal hurts and pains of life. I want to embrace them and trust God. I know that God has and will continue to use my hurts for His glory, I've seen it! God has taken some of my darkest moments of my life (the ones that caused the PTSD) and made beauty from ashes. I cling to those times, hopes, goals and praises when I calm down enough to remember them. I pray that, as I open up (and stop hiding), I'll be able to experience the joy God meant for me.

Why should I only focus on one aspect of my life, when there are so many diamonds emeralds waiting to be found!

Basically, what I'm trying to say, is that I will still write about organizing, Irish Dance, teenagers and being a mom of 5, but I will also write about the other things I am. A struggling survivor of terrible abuse, constant fear, engulfing shame and controlling addiction. A survivor who, after loads of therapy, still cannot seem to see the beauty until it's pointed out to me.

Regardless, I'm still a survivor! And I'm here!